During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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