dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
