How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
