Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize