I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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