I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
