I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
