Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
