My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
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we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.