I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
