if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
