3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
