I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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