Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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