i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
