Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
