I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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