I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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