Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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