I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
