the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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