How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize