Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
