I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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