if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
