She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
