She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
