rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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