I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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