woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
