No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
