Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
