planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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