I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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