My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
