If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
