The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
