I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
