And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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