The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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