Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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