I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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