If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
