I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
