just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
