I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
