Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
