my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
