I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
is it fun? or sober?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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