Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
