I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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