Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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