there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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