I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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