Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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