chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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