Who wears a wallet chain?!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
