Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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