I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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